Trust

I had an interesting experience this week. The lord gave me exactly what I wanted and had prayed for...but he made me wait for it (you know, everything in his timing and all that). And as I was sitting there, having gotten exactly what I thought I wanted, I felt...upset and anxious. Back before I'd gotten what I wanted I felt...upset and anxious. So I was upset and anxious and I closed my eyes to ask the Lord for a little comfort (in a very public setting I might add), and a picture popped into my head of Karter, the day before, crying because I wasn't giving him what he wanted fast enough, and when I finally gave it to him, he was crying because he didn't want it anymore.
I could almost feel the Lords patient amusement with me. It was like he was saying, "I don't give you what you want and you're upset, I give you what you want and you're upset! I honestly don't think you know what you want." Which are the exact words I used with Karter only 24 hours earlier. That's right...I'm as confused as a TODDLER!
I find that I am reluctant to have hope of happiness. I've had a lot of heartache come my way in the last 2 years. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of great things happen as well, and I recognize that I am actually an extremely blessed person despite everything (and I'm grateful for that). But in a confusing and backward way, life has taught me that things don't tend to work out for me.
Being a wife didn't work out for me, being a stay-at-home mom  of a big family didn't work out for me. I'm at the end of my schooling, and feeling very lost and confused...did I even study the right thing? I like this boy, but I'm not nice enough; I like that boy, but I'm not righteous enough; I like another boy but I'm not pretty enough. And to be totally fair, I tend to have the urge to stay away from boys I'm attracted to. Because I have a perspective...a paradigm...a bias, if you will, of life. I have this idea that hope is nothing but pain. That old saying "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh way" and he WILL inevitably take it away. If this boy, that boy, or other boy choose me, one day, he will stop choosing me. That at some point in our dating process, he will realize that I am not worth my baggage. That in some way, I am lesser because of what I've been through (and Satan is so cunning...sometimes I actually believe this). Whether that boy takes me on a date or not, I won't avoid the pain, however small. Just as I can't avoid the pain of being a single mother, or being a widow.
So here I am, scared of getting what I want because I don't want to loose it, and scared of not getting what I want because I don't want to be unhappy. Which really just means a lot of being upset and anxious.
I wish I was one of those people who could just go with the flow. Sometimes it seems that I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and hand my everything over to the lord about a million times...every hour. I constantly have to remind myself that the Lord is in charge. Sometimes I do find the peace that everything will work out, and then I say something stupid to someone I care about or forget something important and I spend the next several hours stressing about what I'm going to loose because of what I lack.

He's getting so BIG!

I make impulsive decisions based on emotion and then wonder WHY I couldn't just think rationally or follow the spirit...or is that what I was doing? Did I send that text because I WANTED to, or because the lord wanted me to? Did I stay at that party because I WANTED to, or should I have gone home to Karter?
And all the while, I have a whole different set of voices in the back of my head that attack no matter which decision I make.
Me: I'm going to go home to Karter
Also Me: But you need to be around people your own age if you ever want to date.
Me: You're right, I'm going stay here and be social
Also Me: But Karter really needs you to be present!
Me: Okay...I should just bring him next time
Also Me: But all these strange adults? Is that really healthy for him? What if he tries calling one of them daddy again...now that was just mortifying. Also, everyone will look at you differently when he's around.
(And then there is my favorite of all, and the one most prevalent)
Also Me: You're pretty much failing at all of them, don't even get me started on school, so why are you even bothering with any of it?
And while I know that last one definitely isn't the spirit (although knowing it's not the spirit, doesn't make it any less painful...or true). Which argument is from the spirit? Which of these is most important? Or are they equal? And when and how do I decide? I can tell you that I have WAY more peace when I'm with Karter (but I think that's because of his unconditional love and acceptance..at least till he's a teenager)

Look at how TINY he used
 to be!

...but with that also comes with the realization that he is missing so much by not having a worthy priesthood holder to look up to or siblings to look out for. And if I'm being competently honest, it's not only about him, I'm lonely too. And I feel PROMPTED to be out with people.
So...what?
I can't even count how many times I've written TRUST in my journal in the last 3 weeks. TRUST that the Lord has a plan, TRUST that he's looking out for your best interests, TRUST that he wants you happy. I talked about this in my last post as well...trust is a choice. And I have to make it EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.
So when he gives me what I want, it's because it will be for my good, and when he doesn't give me what I want it's because he has something BETTER!
If only it were so easy to believe that when things get particularly painful.
It's almost funny...because I can see the lord trying to give me something better, but I'm holding on so tight with my eyes turned away. I can see his efforts to get me to let go of this backward way of viewing the world. The idea that if I just shut out the hope, I'll avoid the pain. He's trying to show me that I won't and can't avoid the pain, and instead of trying to control every aspect of my life (which is what is causing the upset and anxiety), I should be focused on finding His peace IN the pain. I've been medicating the symptoms and ignoring the problem.
And I don't have a solution.
As it stands, I am literally trying to listen when the promptings come and trusting that I'm doing the right thing...in the end, it will work out...right?