Choosing

I ran into someone on campus the other day who knew me before Thomas died and I haven't seen her since that semester. She asked me how he and Karter were doing and I had to inform her that Thomas had passed away. It's always a shock to run into people who still don't know. She looked me in the eye and said, "Oh, that is my worst nightmare." Well...It was mine too.
I've been having a hard time lately. It seems that everywhere I turn there is another memory of Thomas, and another reminder of the things that I DON'T have. It even comes down to simple things like couples walking through campus holding hands. And don't even get me started on father's holding their newborn babies at church. It seems lately as if EVERYTHING hurts.
I could name ten things without hesitation that I know I SHOULD be thankful for, but I just can not, CAN NOT seem to see past the things that I don't have.
I also know the answers when I wonder how to fix it. Pray more, read my scriptures more, go to the temple, serve others, turn everything over to the lord, TRUST the lord. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard, "The lord has a plan for you," and, "everything happens for a reason," and my favorite, "One day you'll be so grateful for this." The worst part, is that I've also said all those things, not just to myself, but to the people around me. And I believe them! I honestly, truly believe that the lord has a plan and that everything happens for a reason. And while I don't ever see myself being thankful for the tragedies in my life, I CAN be thankful for the person they've made me into.
So...if I know the answers, why am I even talking about this?
Because they don't always work right away, and the hard part is the MIDDLE! The part that is glanced over and hardly talked about. It's the part where the storm is the worst and you can't see the point or the reason. It's the part where it's the darkest and you're trying to trust but it feels impossible because you can't see ANYTHING. And that's why there's faith and there's hope. And it takes both to make it through.
It seemed that my whole life had become about enduring to the end. I get up in the morning because there's a two year old crying and classes to attend. But I've found it hard to find joy in a day that no one but me is living. No one notices when I've had a bad day, or even a good day. My interactions with those around me have become short and to the point. I'm beginning to see that it's no one's fault but mine. I can't relate to people my own age, and it's made it hard to muster the energy to even try.
I got to teach in an actual classroom for the first time this week. It went really well and I was so excited, but as I left the parking lot it hit me that I had no one to share it with. No one to share one of my biggest teaching milestones with. I know it might sound silly, but being alone is one of the biggest trials I have ever had to face.
I know that when I look back at the trials in my life, especially the ones that took the most courage, I SEE the specific plan and why it had to be a certain way. Knowing that doesn't make my current pain any less. And it didn't help me back in those moments when I was scared and confused and didn't know anything except that I was doing what the Lord told me to do.
A song came on the radio today on my way home from class. I know most of you know it, the words go like this.

Well I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked
a 1000 miles and wound up at your door. 

I know its a silly song, but it got me thinking that if I found out this second that Thomas was across the country and the only way to see him was to walk. I would do it in a heartbeat. I would put Karter in a stroller, grab a backpack and hike all the way to Maine. I wouldn't even think twice if it meant seeing him again.
And then it hit me. This is my 1000 miles. Reading my scriptures, praying more, going to the temple, and TRUSTING the lord. Even when it feels like I'm not getting much out of it.
I know you've heard it a thousand times, and I know in the moment it doesn't feel like it's helping, but I know for me, that doing those things doesn't take away the pain, it just makes it feel as if I'm not doing it alone anymore.
In an amazing talk by Elder Clayton I reread recently, he says,

"There may be times when we have been hurt, when we are tired, and when our lives seem dark and cold. There may be times when we cannot see any light on the horizon, and we may feel like giving up. If we are willing to believe, if we desire to believe, if we choose to believe, then the Savior's teachings and example will show us the pathway forward."

And I do. Here, in one of my darkest moments, I CHOOSE to believe.
I choose to believe that Thomas and I found each other for a reason. I choose to believe that Karter was left without his father for a reason.
I know that the lord knows me. So I also know that he understands how hard being alone is for me. When everyone around me is going about their lives the Lord sees my pain. He KNOWS my pain. And so I choose to believe that there is a purpose in making me face my biggest nightmare.
I believe that there is so much happiness in this life for me. More than I can even comprehend. I choose to believe that my joy is coming. Maybe not now. Maybe not in the next couple weeks, or months, or years, but it is coming.
I choose faith and I choose hope.