I still don't know what the lord wants from me. I don't know what's to come. I don't know where I'm going to end up. I don't know who I might help along the way, or who might help me. But I do know that no matter what happens He will take care of me. He has promised me as much, and he always comes through in the end. I've learned so much in the last couple months, I have gained a faith I didn't even know I was capable of - a knowledge that we have to feel the pain to understand what it feels like to have joy and happiness. And I have been promised SO much happiness - the kind that I can't even comprehend yet.
The savior is looking out for me, and everything he does, he does so that some day I can get back to him and feel that incompressible joy. As President Henry B. Eyring has said,
"Whoever we are, however difficult our circumstances, we can know that what our father commands we do to qualify for the blessings of eternal life will not be beyond us...we may have to pray with faith to know what we are to do and we must pray with a determination to obey, but we can know what to do and be sure that the way has been prepared for us by the Lord."
When I have felt like I'm drowning, like I can't even get my nose above water I am reminded that I was given this trial so that I could become a better person. I have felt him lift me up and show me my own strength that I didn't even know I had and then through that the peace that I yearn for.
Its still going to be hard. SO hard. But I WILL get those little moments of light and peace that I got this weekend. As Elder Clayton talked about on Saturday, there are going to be times when I can't see the light, but as long as I keep my faith that it is still there, the Lord will continue to grant me glimpses that will carry me through even my hardest moments. Through all of this, surprisingly enough, I have found gratitude. Gratitude that I have an understanding of the plan of salvation, that someday I will be with Thomas again. Gratitude that when I truly need it (not when I want it, but when I truly need it), the savior brings forth his tender mercies and continues to show me that he cares so deeply for me. Gratitude that he died for me, that he suffered on the cross, not just for my sins, but for my deepest sorrows. I have so much gratitude for the fact that when I feel like there is no one in the world who could possibly know how I feel I am reminded that not only does the savior know how it feels to loose someone, he knows how it feels to loose THOMAS. He has felt MY pain, and understood the exact things that I am mourning.
It's true that no one on this earth can know exactly how I am feeling, or the things that I am struggling with, but I am not alone. Because I have an older brother who has died, so that I would not be alone, so that the sting of Thomas' death can be even just a fraction less. He has done all of this for me, and now my only job is to show him that I am worthy of it.
