Trust

I had an interesting experience this week. The lord gave me exactly what I wanted and had prayed for...but he made me wait for it (you know, everything in his timing and all that). And as I was sitting there, having gotten exactly what I thought I wanted, I felt...upset and anxious. Back before I'd gotten what I wanted I felt...upset and anxious. So I was upset and anxious and I closed my eyes to ask the Lord for a little comfort (in a very public setting I might add), and a picture popped into my head of Karter, the day before, crying because I wasn't giving him what he wanted fast enough, and when I finally gave it to him, he was crying because he didn't want it anymore.
I could almost feel the Lords patient amusement with me. It was like he was saying, "I don't give you what you want and you're upset, I give you what you want and you're upset! I honestly don't think you know what you want." Which are the exact words I used with Karter only 24 hours earlier. That's right...I'm as confused as a TODDLER!
I find that I am reluctant to have hope of happiness. I've had a lot of heartache come my way in the last 2 years. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of great things happen as well, and I recognize that I am actually an extremely blessed person despite everything (and I'm grateful for that). But in a confusing and backward way, life has taught me that things don't tend to work out for me.
Being a wife didn't work out for me, being a stay-at-home mom  of a big family didn't work out for me. I'm at the end of my schooling, and feeling very lost and confused...did I even study the right thing? I like this boy, but I'm not nice enough; I like that boy, but I'm not righteous enough; I like another boy but I'm not pretty enough. And to be totally fair, I tend to have the urge to stay away from boys I'm attracted to. Because I have a perspective...a paradigm...a bias, if you will, of life. I have this idea that hope is nothing but pain. That old saying "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh way" and he WILL inevitably take it away. If this boy, that boy, or other boy choose me, one day, he will stop choosing me. That at some point in our dating process, he will realize that I am not worth my baggage. That in some way, I am lesser because of what I've been through (and Satan is so cunning...sometimes I actually believe this). Whether that boy takes me on a date or not, I won't avoid the pain, however small. Just as I can't avoid the pain of being a single mother, or being a widow.
So here I am, scared of getting what I want because I don't want to loose it, and scared of not getting what I want because I don't want to be unhappy. Which really just means a lot of being upset and anxious.
I wish I was one of those people who could just go with the flow. Sometimes it seems that I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and hand my everything over to the lord about a million times...every hour. I constantly have to remind myself that the Lord is in charge. Sometimes I do find the peace that everything will work out, and then I say something stupid to someone I care about or forget something important and I spend the next several hours stressing about what I'm going to loose because of what I lack.

He's getting so BIG!

I make impulsive decisions based on emotion and then wonder WHY I couldn't just think rationally or follow the spirit...or is that what I was doing? Did I send that text because I WANTED to, or because the lord wanted me to? Did I stay at that party because I WANTED to, or should I have gone home to Karter?
And all the while, I have a whole different set of voices in the back of my head that attack no matter which decision I make.
Me: I'm going to go home to Karter
Also Me: But you need to be around people your own age if you ever want to date.
Me: You're right, I'm going stay here and be social
Also Me: But Karter really needs you to be present!
Me: Okay...I should just bring him next time
Also Me: But all these strange adults? Is that really healthy for him? What if he tries calling one of them daddy again...now that was just mortifying. Also, everyone will look at you differently when he's around.
(And then there is my favorite of all, and the one most prevalent)
Also Me: You're pretty much failing at all of them, don't even get me started on school, so why are you even bothering with any of it?
And while I know that last one definitely isn't the spirit (although knowing it's not the spirit, doesn't make it any less painful...or true). Which argument is from the spirit? Which of these is most important? Or are they equal? And when and how do I decide? I can tell you that I have WAY more peace when I'm with Karter (but I think that's because of his unconditional love and acceptance..at least till he's a teenager)

Look at how TINY he used
 to be!

...but with that also comes with the realization that he is missing so much by not having a worthy priesthood holder to look up to or siblings to look out for. And if I'm being competently honest, it's not only about him, I'm lonely too. And I feel PROMPTED to be out with people.
So...what?
I can't even count how many times I've written TRUST in my journal in the last 3 weeks. TRUST that the Lord has a plan, TRUST that he's looking out for your best interests, TRUST that he wants you happy. I talked about this in my last post as well...trust is a choice. And I have to make it EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.
So when he gives me what I want, it's because it will be for my good, and when he doesn't give me what I want it's because he has something BETTER!
If only it were so easy to believe that when things get particularly painful.
It's almost funny...because I can see the lord trying to give me something better, but I'm holding on so tight with my eyes turned away. I can see his efforts to get me to let go of this backward way of viewing the world. The idea that if I just shut out the hope, I'll avoid the pain. He's trying to show me that I won't and can't avoid the pain, and instead of trying to control every aspect of my life (which is what is causing the upset and anxiety), I should be focused on finding His peace IN the pain. I've been medicating the symptoms and ignoring the problem.
And I don't have a solution.
As it stands, I am literally trying to listen when the promptings come and trusting that I'm doing the right thing...in the end, it will work out...right?

Choosing

I ran into someone on campus the other day who knew me before Thomas died and I haven't seen her since that semester. She asked me how he and Karter were doing and I had to inform her that Thomas had passed away. It's always a shock to run into people who still don't know. She looked me in the eye and said, "Oh, that is my worst nightmare." Well...It was mine too.
I've been having a hard time lately. It seems that everywhere I turn there is another memory of Thomas, and another reminder of the things that I DON'T have. It even comes down to simple things like couples walking through campus holding hands. And don't even get me started on father's holding their newborn babies at church. It seems lately as if EVERYTHING hurts.
I could name ten things without hesitation that I know I SHOULD be thankful for, but I just can not, CAN NOT seem to see past the things that I don't have.
I also know the answers when I wonder how to fix it. Pray more, read my scriptures more, go to the temple, serve others, turn everything over to the lord, TRUST the lord. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard, "The lord has a plan for you," and, "everything happens for a reason," and my favorite, "One day you'll be so grateful for this." The worst part, is that I've also said all those things, not just to myself, but to the people around me. And I believe them! I honestly, truly believe that the lord has a plan and that everything happens for a reason. And while I don't ever see myself being thankful for the tragedies in my life, I CAN be thankful for the person they've made me into.
So...if I know the answers, why am I even talking about this?
Because they don't always work right away, and the hard part is the MIDDLE! The part that is glanced over and hardly talked about. It's the part where the storm is the worst and you can't see the point or the reason. It's the part where it's the darkest and you're trying to trust but it feels impossible because you can't see ANYTHING. And that's why there's faith and there's hope. And it takes both to make it through.
It seemed that my whole life had become about enduring to the end. I get up in the morning because there's a two year old crying and classes to attend. But I've found it hard to find joy in a day that no one but me is living. No one notices when I've had a bad day, or even a good day. My interactions with those around me have become short and to the point. I'm beginning to see that it's no one's fault but mine. I can't relate to people my own age, and it's made it hard to muster the energy to even try.
I got to teach in an actual classroom for the first time this week. It went really well and I was so excited, but as I left the parking lot it hit me that I had no one to share it with. No one to share one of my biggest teaching milestones with. I know it might sound silly, but being alone is one of the biggest trials I have ever had to face.
I know that when I look back at the trials in my life, especially the ones that took the most courage, I SEE the specific plan and why it had to be a certain way. Knowing that doesn't make my current pain any less. And it didn't help me back in those moments when I was scared and confused and didn't know anything except that I was doing what the Lord told me to do.
A song came on the radio today on my way home from class. I know most of you know it, the words go like this.

Well I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked
a 1000 miles and wound up at your door. 

I know its a silly song, but it got me thinking that if I found out this second that Thomas was across the country and the only way to see him was to walk. I would do it in a heartbeat. I would put Karter in a stroller, grab a backpack and hike all the way to Maine. I wouldn't even think twice if it meant seeing him again.
And then it hit me. This is my 1000 miles. Reading my scriptures, praying more, going to the temple, and TRUSTING the lord. Even when it feels like I'm not getting much out of it.
I know you've heard it a thousand times, and I know in the moment it doesn't feel like it's helping, but I know for me, that doing those things doesn't take away the pain, it just makes it feel as if I'm not doing it alone anymore.
In an amazing talk by Elder Clayton I reread recently, he says,

"There may be times when we have been hurt, when we are tired, and when our lives seem dark and cold. There may be times when we cannot see any light on the horizon, and we may feel like giving up. If we are willing to believe, if we desire to believe, if we choose to believe, then the Savior's teachings and example will show us the pathway forward."

And I do. Here, in one of my darkest moments, I CHOOSE to believe.
I choose to believe that Thomas and I found each other for a reason. I choose to believe that Karter was left without his father for a reason.
I know that the lord knows me. So I also know that he understands how hard being alone is for me. When everyone around me is going about their lives the Lord sees my pain. He KNOWS my pain. And so I choose to believe that there is a purpose in making me face my biggest nightmare.
I believe that there is so much happiness in this life for me. More than I can even comprehend. I choose to believe that my joy is coming. Maybe not now. Maybe not in the next couple weeks, or months, or years, but it is coming.
I choose faith and I choose hope.

Doing it Alone...But Not Really

      Karter has recently decided that it is the most fun thing ever to play with my debit card. Which basically translates into: I have lost my debit card 4 times in the last month. This would be fine except that I don't carry cash and it's starting to get very embarrassing to go to my bank, and admit that I have lost yet another one. Most of the time it's fine though. One time it wasn't.
      I was driving from my brother's house in Burley to Rexburg. I pulled over somewhere to get gas and realized that my card (it wasn't even a permanent card, this was a temporary card) was not where I usually put it. So after tearing my car apart hoping it was in there SOMEWHERE, I decided that it was only a 2.5 hour drive and I'd be fine with my half a tank of gas. Well I wasn't. Looking back I realize that I should have just called Jared right there and had him drive out and fill my tank; However, I've discovered that a side effect of being a widow is that I have a really hard time asking for help.
     So I was stubborn and didn't call for help. I honestly figured I'd make it.
     I hadn't even hit Idaho Falls when my gas light came on. For some reason, despite the fact that this was actually my fault, I got really bitter and angry. I shouldn't have to be doing this alone, I should have a husband beside me with an extra card so that when something like this happens I am not dealing with it all on my own. I had done everything right in my life and look where I was; driving home at midnight with a screaming toddler in the back seat and absolutely no way to pay for gas.
    On top of all of these emotions that obviously had nothing to do with the lost card, I had realized a few minutes before the gas light came on that if I ran out of gas I had absolutely no one I could call. I have plenty of friends, plenty of people that love me, but no Its-Midnight-I-Have-No-Gas-Come-Save-Me-Friends. So I was also dealing with the realization that aside from being alone in this situation, I was alone period.
     So I was crying, and I had no gas, and I just kept thinking, "I have no one to call, I have no one to call." But strangely enough I kept getting this feeling that I was going to make it and it was all going to be alright. That made no logical sense, so I kept pushing it aside, because I had another hour of driving ahead of me.
     Well I think you all saw the ending coming, even when I didn't. I made it all the way home. I had been praying pretty hard that it would happen that way, but I didn't actually expect it to. And even though I h
ad made it home, I still had to figure out how I was going to get Karter to day care the next morning and then to school. I still didn't have a way to pay for gas, so a visit to the bank was also on the agenda. All with no car.
     The next morning, my new card was in the mail box, my car started and Karter and I made it all the way to the gas station without a problem. As I dropped Karter off at day care I prayed to thank Heavenly Father for the good luck I had; instead I got this overwhelming feeling that said to me, "You have someone to call, when you are in trouble, you have me to call."
      It was an amazing humbling experience for me. I spend a lot of time feeling angry that I do things alone. My life is different than those around me, and so even my closest friends have a hard time relating to me sometimes. You would think, that after a year and a half of hard times, but also wonderful miracles, I would remember the one person that is responsible for every good thing that has ever happened to me.

    I deal with a two year old that STILL does not sleep through the night. I deal with getting back into the dating world and being HORRIBLE at it. I also deal with the realization that my life is complicated and that it isn't necessarily the kind of life that someone can just fit into. And I struggle every day with my fear that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for anyone, including the man I already married. And I deal with it alone...but not really.

   I recognize that not everyone can relate exactly to this. Everybody's tragedies and trials are different, but I believe that loneliness is a universal feeling, and no one knows that feeling better than I do (although, that is not true either, someone has always got it worse). I just want to bear my testimony that you ARE NOT alone, and the only one in the whole world who can know exactly what you are feeling is just waiting for you to ask for help. 

The Importance of Humility

     

     This weekend I spent my first weekend on my own in Rexburg. It was absolute, well...heck. Karter is a very social, busy, busy baby. And from the minute he was born, he hasn't had to spend more than a day alone with me...ever. This weekend, we did 3. My family left me on Saturday morning, and by Sunday afternoon I couldn't tell you who was in a worse mood. Karter spent a full 2 minutes screaming at church because I wouldn't let him gouge my face with his hands and then when I finally calmed him down he started screaming (for another 2 minutes) because I wouldn't let him pull my shirt down. 

     I scared 2 innocent bystanders with my random bursting into tears. One while I was at church absolutely falling to pieces in the foyer, and another while I sat in my brand new backyard that does not have a fence. I'm pretty sure that poor man thought someone was dying. (Well someone kind of was…or already did).

     I can't describe how I was feeling. I mean, I'm going to try, but I'm not sure I can truly convey the sense of hopelessness that I was feeling. Here I was just over 24 hours of being on my own with my own baby and I couldn't see how we were ever going to survive. I don't handle being on my own very well; never have, but mix in a baby who depends on me for everything, and besides which, doesn't really seem to like me all that much, and things were just…Heck. That afternoon I turned to some people for comfort, and after not finding any, it seemed i just felt worse. That is nothing against them, because honestly there is nothing anyone can ever say to make this better. They said the right things, they just weren't the things that I wanted to hear. What I truly wanted was for THOMAS  to tell me that it was all going to be OK, and that I could do this, and I knew I wasn't going to get that.

     Well after that, I got mad. This is kind of embarrassing, but I sat in my living room and while Karter went from one thing to another, crying because he was bored, I chewed Thomas out. I literally sat there and told him off for dying. I told him that I was lonely and that he had no right to go off and leave me with an impossible child that I absolutely could not handle on my own. I was frustrated and angry, and absolutely hopeless. I saw the rest of my life stretch out ahead of me, and it was utterly depressing. And I told him that. Here I was going through our stuff, our whole life together, moving into a cute little house, and I could not get over the fact that he was not there to help me do it.

     It made me think of the day Karter was born. I was laying in the bed and I'd had the epidural a few hours before that, so things weren't too bad, in fact, I'd been sleeping. The doctor came in to check on me and told me that I'd finally labored down, so it was time to push. I just remember the moment of sheer panic that came over me when he said that. All of a sudden it all became so real. It was one thing to be hot and uncomfortable, and fat for nine months. It was a completely other thing to be so responsible for something so tiny. While I was having my moment of panic, I looked over at Thomas and he was grinning from ear to ear. I had a thought then. Even if I was a sub-par mom; ordinary and unremarkable. Thomas was going to be a phenomenal father, and so everything was going to be OK. It's so ironic to me now that I would have that thought. Because this last weekend, I was worse than sub-par, I felt terrible, and there was no phenomenal father to make up for what I was lacking.

     I'm saying all of this because by the time I put Karter down on Sunday night, I was livid. Not just at Thomas, but at God. Out of everyone in the universe, he knows me best, and he'd made my worst nightmare come true. I was spending time getting ready to live in a house on my own, without my best friend; a single mother. I was as far from humble as it's possible to get. You could say that on a list of people who were living worthy of blessings, I was at the bottom…if not off the list entirely.

     On Monday morning I got up so that I could take Karter and get him signed up for the day care that I'd found (a previous answer to prayers), and then I was going to get the heck out of Rexburg. What I found there was great. Women who seemed happy and enjoyed their jobs. The woman who ran the day care took me around and we started talking. I found out she was going through some of the same things I am. We talked for a while, we cried together, and most importantly she told me all about some other people there in Idaho who are in our same situation. After a weekend feeling lonely, it was a breath of fresh air. 

     As I was walking to the car, I had the very distinct impression that the Lord wanted me to know that I am not alone. The lord, and Thomas, for that matter, won't let me ever be alone. My hour at this day care had been an answer to prayers that I hadn't even bothered to say because I was wasting so much time being mad.

     Let me let you all in on a secret. The lord looks out for his children. Even if we don't always deserve it. In my hours of darkness I'd convinced myself that I was doing this all on my own and that no one can ever understand what I was going through. And ironically enough, I was too mad to talk to the one person who can look at me and say, "I know your pain, let me help."

     It is ALWAYS darkest before the dawn. This whole experience just reminded me that true faith comes in those dark moments when you can't see the light. Faith means having a hope that when all of this pain and suffering is over we are going to have more happiness than we can ever imagine.

     I am so lucky that I have people on the other side that care about and love me, because I failed in that one aspect this weekend. I was taking all of my other revelation and answers for granted, and acting like the lord had never blessed me. I had convinced myself that I was all alone, and that was never going to change.

     Just remember, no matter what you are going through, no matter how you feel at this exact moment. If you just keep that faith that eventually you will get a glimpse of that light at the end then the lord will bless you even more than you can imagine. 

A Big Brother Who Would Die

With conference this last weekend, I have never felt so grateful for those living prophets that the Lord has put on this earth for each of us. I have also never felt so HEARD. Although it was those great men and women who spoke, I felt for the first time since Thomas' death like the lord was listening to ME. I felt unbelievably loved and cared for.
I still don't know what the lord wants from me. I don't know what's to come. I don't know where I'm going to end up. I don't know who I might help along the way, or who might help me. But I do know that no matter what happens He will take care of me. He has promised me as much, and he always comes through in the end. I've learned so much in the last couple months, I have gained a faith I didn't even know I was capable of - a knowledge that we have to feel the pain to understand what it feels like to have joy and happiness. And I have been promised SO much happiness - the kind that I can't even comprehend yet.
The savior is looking out for me, and everything he does, he does so that some day I can get back to him and feel that incompressible joy. As President Henry B. Eyring has said,
"Whoever we are, however difficult our circumstances, we can know that what our father commands we do to qualify for the blessings of eternal life will not be beyond us...we may have to pray with faith to know what we are to do and we must pray with a determination to obey, but we can know what to do and be sure that the way has been prepared for us by the Lord."
When I have felt like I'm drowning, like I can't even get my nose above water I am reminded that I was given this trial so that I could become a better person. I have felt him lift me up and show me my own strength that I didn't even know I had and then through that the peace that I yearn for.
Its still going to be hard. SO hard. But I WILL get those little moments of light and peace that I got this weekend. As Elder Clayton talked about on Saturday, there are going to be times when I can't see the light, but as long as I keep my faith that it is still there, the Lord will continue to grant me glimpses that will carry me through even my hardest moments.
Through all of this, surprisingly enough, I have found gratitude. Gratitude that I have an understanding of the plan of salvation, that someday I will be with Thomas again. Gratitude that when I truly need it (not when I want it, but when I truly need it), the savior brings forth his tender mercies and continues to show me that he cares so deeply for me. Gratitude that he died for me, that he suffered on the cross, not just for my sins, but for my deepest sorrows. I have so much gratitude for the fact that when I feel like there is no one in the world who could possibly know how I feel I am reminded that not only does the savior know how it feels to loose someone, he knows how it feels to loose THOMAS. He has felt MY pain, and understood the exact things that I am mourning.
It's true that no one on this earth can know exactly how I am feeling, or the things that I am struggling with, but I am not alone. Because I have an older brother who has died, so that I would not be alone, so that the sting of Thomas' death can be even just a fraction less. He has done all of this for me, and now my only job is to show him that I am worthy of it.